Working with Others |
Introduction
An exploration, led by NLP, can be an emotional process for some people, whilst for others it can be fun. When working with others it is important to keep the following guidelines at the forefront of our mind:
- The client is in charge of the process. The NLP coach is merely the guide and should only go where they are invited to go.
- Everything we use in the ‘NLP toolkit’ is with the intent of helping someone to reach his or her well-formed outcome.
- Any interventions or exercises are within the context of this outcome.
- As a coach, our job is to keep the client in a resourceful state, to gather information about their mental map and offer direction in terms of thinking and behaviours.
- Inability to establish rapport indicates resistance in the client. This resistance will likely be to fulfil positive intention.
- In this case the purpose of using NLP, as an intervention, needs to be clearly communicated and it is up to the client if they wish to continue.
- All sessions start with building rapport, establishing an outcome or goal and finish with future pacing.
Future Pacing
When you are involved in NLP change work with someone else, the final part of the process is to test your work. You will have established their outcome, and gained sensory specific information about their state. Once we have tested that the intervention has achieved the desired state and response, we now want to make sure that the change has not been anchored into the present time and place.
So, by asking them to imagine a situation in the future where they can test their new response, this can help them test their approach in situations where it will be useful. This is really the final test. If it doesn’t work then we need to go back and refine the intervention.
So, by asking them to imagine a situation in the future where they can test their new response, this can help them test their approach in situations where it will be useful. This is really the final test. If it doesn’t work then we need to go back and refine the intervention.
Sensory Awareness
As one of the four pillars of NLP, sensory awareness is the skill and ability to notice distinctions between then visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory and gustatory systems that go to make up a state.
We cannot, not communicate – we are transmitting signals constantly, which offer information about our state – mostly unconsciously. Mehrabian (1971) concluded that 55% of our communication is Physiology, 35% is tonality and a mere 7% is our words.
We cannot respond to signals that we don’t detect. We don’t see what we don’t see and we don’t hear what we don’t hear. From the previous lesson on mental maps, we know that our ‘filters’ determine what, we think, we are experiencing in the outside world, which in turn affects our own state, this, in turn determines our responses.
The greater the range and quality of our ‘filters’ the more we will notice about our client’s mental map. Sensory awareness is determined by the range and scope of our own ‘filters’. The greater the scope the wider our awareness is. As with all skills, increasing our sensory awareness comes with practise.
These are a range of aspects that you can begin to build into your scanning strategy that will give you clues as to the state of those that you work with.
We cannot, not communicate – we are transmitting signals constantly, which offer information about our state – mostly unconsciously. Mehrabian (1971) concluded that 55% of our communication is Physiology, 35% is tonality and a mere 7% is our words.
We cannot respond to signals that we don’t detect. We don’t see what we don’t see and we don’t hear what we don’t hear. From the previous lesson on mental maps, we know that our ‘filters’ determine what, we think, we are experiencing in the outside world, which in turn affects our own state, this, in turn determines our responses.
The greater the range and quality of our ‘filters’ the more we will notice about our client’s mental map. Sensory awareness is determined by the range and scope of our own ‘filters’. The greater the scope the wider our awareness is. As with all skills, increasing our sensory awareness comes with practise.
These are a range of aspects that you can begin to build into your scanning strategy that will give you clues as to the state of those that you work with.
Visual |
Eyes Skin Lips Muscles tension Posture Movements Breathing |
Movements, size, eyebrows, tension Colour, moisture, tension Size, colour, tension Face, body, limbs Symmetry, asymmetry, tilt of head, shoulders etc. Gestures, hands, feet Rate, location |
Auditory |
Quality Punctuation Language Other |
Tone, pitch, volume, tempo, frequency Emphasis, pauses, sentence length Predicates, metaphors, submodalities Breathing, abdomen, shifting postures |
Kinaesthetic |
Touch Location |
Temperature, moisture, pressure, size Where in body |
You will begin to notice how your world is so much richer when you pay attention with all the senses you have.
Rapport
Rapport sits at the heart of NLP and another of the four pillars and can occur naturally between people. Just like money though, we only realise that we have a problem when we haven’t got enough of it.
When we find ourselves comfortable in the company of another and find the relationship easy we will be in natural rapport. Rapport comes from sharing the same or similar mental maps as the other person and simply means to minimise the differences. The more similar the mental map, the deeper the level of rapport will be.
How can we tell? Well imagine sitting in a cafe or a social situation watching how people interact with each other. You will notice that some people appear to be well tuned and in harmony. Others may appear as if they wish they were somewhere else. What is the difference between them that makes the difference?
After some time, and by using our sensory awareness, we will notice certain characteristics about people that are in rapport.
You may notice that they:
All of these things can be happening naturally and unconsciously. The great news is that we can build and maintain rapport consciously and when necessary, using the guidelines above to minimise the differences between you and your client.
When we find ourselves comfortable in the company of another and find the relationship easy we will be in natural rapport. Rapport comes from sharing the same or similar mental maps as the other person and simply means to minimise the differences. The more similar the mental map, the deeper the level of rapport will be.
How can we tell? Well imagine sitting in a cafe or a social situation watching how people interact with each other. You will notice that some people appear to be well tuned and in harmony. Others may appear as if they wish they were somewhere else. What is the difference between them that makes the difference?
After some time, and by using our sensory awareness, we will notice certain characteristics about people that are in rapport.
You may notice that they:
- Seem to have the same level of energy
- Have the same facial expressions
- Breathe at the same rate
- Make similar gestures
- Their movements will mirror and match each other
- Their voices share the same pitch, volume, tempo and tone
- They match each other’s language patterns (e.g. predicates)
- They share similar metaphors
- They share common experiences, as opposed to talking at cross purposes
All of these things can be happening naturally and unconsciously. The great news is that we can build and maintain rapport consciously and when necessary, using the guidelines above to minimise the differences between you and your client.
If the answer to any of the above questions is, “I don’t know” then there you have the problem and it is essential to work on the level above if change is to take place. You can ask:
- If you were to guess, what would you say?
- Is there anyone else who does know?
- If you did know what would you say?
Be persistent with your questioning. The solutions are in there somewhere and the questions will find them eventually. Once you have an answer move on up to the next level until all levels have been explored.
It could be said that, when we are operating in a purposeful way, we are unstoppable. All of our neurological levels are aligned and we have discovered a meaning or mission to link to our actions.
Matching, Pacing & Leading
The basic rapport building skill is matching and mirroring. This is simply where we notice something about the other person, such as breathing rate; posture, gestures and we match or mirror it to the same extent. It is important to note that we not mimicking the other person. Matching is subtle. Notice something, wait a few seconds and then match it. If we merely copy another person, we will probably annoy them more than build rapport.
If we want to coach someone towards their outcome, then we may need to influence their thinking to a degree. To influence someone towards the direction you want them to take may require a deep level of rapport. It is not enough just to match someone in the moment, we will need to match them over time, and this is referred to as pacing someone. Once rapport is sufficiently deep enough then we are in a position to lead.
Leading is taking someone incrementally towards his or her outcome. This may involve questions and interventions from the NLP toolkit. You will know if you have rapport if the other person follows your lead. The golden rule is to Pace, Pace, Pace…and then lead.
If we want to coach someone towards their outcome, then we may need to influence their thinking to a degree. To influence someone towards the direction you want them to take may require a deep level of rapport. It is not enough just to match someone in the moment, we will need to match them over time, and this is referred to as pacing someone. Once rapport is sufficiently deep enough then we are in a position to lead.
Leading is taking someone incrementally towards his or her outcome. This may involve questions and interventions from the NLP toolkit. You will know if you have rapport if the other person follows your lead. The golden rule is to Pace, Pace, Pace…and then lead.
Losing Rapport
It takes some skill and practice to disagree with someone else and maintain rapport. When you are in rapport with someone, you can disagree with what they say and still relate to him or her respectfully. The important thing to remember is that, neither person is necessarily right or wrong, they are just different. For instance you may have different religious, political or moral views to your clients but there is no need to lose rapport over it.
If we recall the section on Neurological levels, we can see that NLP makes distinction between having beliefs and values on one level and identity on another. A person is more than what they say, do and believe.
If we want to break rapport we must do it with consideration. There may be times when we are too busy, tired or we may simply have enough information and we no longer want to continue to communicate with another person. We may want close a session with a client when we have another one due to start or their time has lapsed. There may be times when, in a meeting or at a dinner party that discussions steer towards tricky subjects such as politics, sex and religion and you may find that
you want to blow the whistle or call a time out. Knowing how to subtly break rapport is useful in these kinds of situation.
If we recall the section on Neurological levels, we can see that NLP makes distinction between having beliefs and values on one level and identity on another. A person is more than what they say, do and believe.
If we want to break rapport we must do it with consideration. There may be times when we are too busy, tired or we may simply have enough information and we no longer want to continue to communicate with another person. We may want close a session with a client when we have another one due to start or their time has lapsed. There may be times when, in a meeting or at a dinner party that discussions steer towards tricky subjects such as politics, sex and religion and you may find that
you want to blow the whistle or call a time out. Knowing how to subtly break rapport is useful in these kinds of situation.
Mismatching
In order to break rapport we simply need to mismatch another person. The following list offers some useful tips.
- Physically – Move away from the person, make your own gestures or facial expressions, break eye contact, and raise your eyebrows. Turning your back is even more powerful.
- Sound – Change voice volume, tone, pitch and length of sentence. Make it louder or softer than theirs. Silence also has power.
- What you say – No thank you! Or I need a break now.
Solution Focused Questions
Once we have built sufficient rapport with a client, and set a well-formed outcome, we can lead and influence their thinking towards that outcome by asking solution-focussed questions. All solution-focussed questions are ‘open’ questions that elicit an answer, other than yes or no.
Have you had a good week? Is an example of a closed question.
How has your week been? Is an example of an open question.
The latter question will give us more information. It is important that we avoid embedding our own solutions during a process of coaching by asking question such as:
“Why don’t you....” or “Have you thought about doing....”
This is merely suggesting, not coaching. Remember that coaching helps someone to come up with their own solutions so that they can progress towards their outcome in their own way.
Have you had a good week? Is an example of a closed question.
How has your week been? Is an example of an open question.
The latter question will give us more information. It is important that we avoid embedding our own solutions during a process of coaching by asking question such as:
“Why don’t you....” or “Have you thought about doing....”
This is merely suggesting, not coaching. Remember that coaching helps someone to come up with their own solutions so that they can progress towards their outcome in their own way.
When to Ask
It can be useful to ask a question starting with why when we want to elicit values, desires and motivations for a particular outcome. Directing thoughts towards the purpose and benefit of a goal can only help to make it even more compelling. Why is that important? is a great question. However, it is not always useful to ask a question starting with why.
Lets suppose that someone comes along to you with a complaint of some kind. They want to lose weight but they have a busy social life and they can’t seem to cut their calories or exercise enough to make progress.
If, as a coach, we ask, “Why can’t you lose weight?” we will get lots of reasons, some might say excuses, as to why that individual can’t lose weight. The question focuses the mind on the reasons, excuses and ultimately, the problem. If someone is complaining of their own inability to do something or revealing limiting beliefs about themselves, the last question we want to be asking them is “Why they can’t do that?” Working on the basis that we get what we focus on , keep focussing on the problem and we’ll get more of the problem.
As we discussed in lesson one, coaching with an NLP toolkit is like transporting someone from where they are to where they want to be.
If thoughts are directed at problems, reasons and excuses as to why someone can’t lose weight, stop smoking, take regular exercise, for instance, and all the ‘other’ things that they prioritise over and above a healthy lifestyle then they will stay ‘stuck’ in their present situation.
By asking solution-focussed questions we can help to direct thinking towards what can be done, what they can do, how they can do it and ultimately tips the balance of thinking, and actions, towards their outcome.
Lets suppose that someone comes along to you with a complaint of some kind. They want to lose weight but they have a busy social life and they can’t seem to cut their calories or exercise enough to make progress.
If, as a coach, we ask, “Why can’t you lose weight?” we will get lots of reasons, some might say excuses, as to why that individual can’t lose weight. The question focuses the mind on the reasons, excuses and ultimately, the problem. If someone is complaining of their own inability to do something or revealing limiting beliefs about themselves, the last question we want to be asking them is “Why they can’t do that?” Working on the basis that we get what we focus on , keep focussing on the problem and we’ll get more of the problem.
As we discussed in lesson one, coaching with an NLP toolkit is like transporting someone from where they are to where they want to be.
If thoughts are directed at problems, reasons and excuses as to why someone can’t lose weight, stop smoking, take regular exercise, for instance, and all the ‘other’ things that they prioritise over and above a healthy lifestyle then they will stay ‘stuck’ in their present situation.
By asking solution-focussed questions we can help to direct thinking towards what can be done, what they can do, how they can do it and ultimately tips the balance of thinking, and actions, towards their outcome.
Example Questions
- What would you like to have happen?
- How could you do that?
- What needs to happen for that to happen?
- What would you like to achieve today?
- How will you now that you have been successful?
- What will you do or be doing differently?
- What would someone else do in that situation?
- What have you learned from this episode?
- What would you like to see yourself doing differently between now and the next time we meet?
- What have you done that worked so well?
- What needs to be different to make it even better next time?
- If you were to do that, what else would that give you?
- Can you?
- Will you?
You will notice that all of the questions on the well-formed outcome worksheet are solution-focussed questions.
